Men are heavily identified with the ways they think they know to be true about what it is to be a good lover. They have watched and studied from porn movies about what women want in sex, and they have mainly or totally experienced women who conform to that porn-prescribed image, along with the culturally conditioned impulse to give of herself (even in the moments where she is being given to, she will give up herself for the pleasure and confidence boost to then man), who are great at faking pleasure and orgasms, all which only confirms for him that he knows all about how to do sex in the best ways.
What he doesn’t know, is how many women will fake her pleasure, or at least fake the climax of her pleasure, to make him feel good about himself. Or to make herself seem like she is playing her appropriate role of receiving and climaxing as expected.
I hear from some men, either from clients, or in personal experience, or in what my friends share with me about their men, a desire to go deeper beyond what they know in sex. Yet it is often quickly backed up with a resistance to go beyond what they already know, to learn more, and make the effort to widen the horizons. And why is this? Because when it comes down to it, even with a deeper desire to expand in this way, when it comes time for sex, they just want it how they want it and they don’t want to put the extra effort, attention, and patience into it. On one level I think this comes from simply being tired from life’s demands and just wanting to get their basic sexual needs met. On another level though I feel they are battling with their ego, which tells them that they already know what they need to know.
As women, it is up to us to truly reflect to our men the quality of their presence and performance in love making. Ultimately, the way they feel about how well they are able to serve their woman in sex is a direct confirmation to the man about his manhood. When the woman affirms to him – you rock my world and give me the most juicy electric body shaking orgasms, on a core level the man takes that in and it reflects to him that he is a ‘real man’. So women, if this is not the case for you in how you experience the love making in your relationships, it is up to you to make it known. Know that (for the most part) men want nothing more than to serve and please you fully and completely. Know that there may be some resistance at first when there is new learning cracking open. Be aware when it is a time to try something new and when is it a time to enjoy what is already known (your indicator here will be the energy level of your partner. If he is tired, it’s probably not the best time to push him to his edges and rather it’s more of a time to enjoy what is known and comfortable between you). Make a special date to bring new learning into the mix, so each person can plan to be available and energetic and present and patient for the experience.
Men, be aware that you have been brain-washed. What you have learned from porn is not the reality of what good sex is for women. Be aware that it’s most likely that the women you have been with have not been totally honest with you about your love making skills. Be aware that in porn, those women are being paid to make it look like they are loving the sex. And the porn is typically geared towards men’s pleasure rather than a woman’s. For the most part, mechanical sexual pleasure greatly misses the boat. Why? What is missing in porn? True authentic loving connection, foreplay, sensuality, deep energetic presence during intercourse – the kind where almost where no movement is even needed for the couple to climax in deep ecstatic bliss together. Men, be aware that there is so much more than what you have previously known about sex and love making, about what women want and what need. Open to the idea that you are a student and let yourself be taught. Read books, watch videos, take courses, or simply just create open and honest communication with your partner about your sex together. Ask how you can be an even better lover to her than ever before. Be curious about your own sexual self and explore different aspects of it with your partner. Do some investigation, experiment, and put time and effort into learning new skills. Why not?! This is the most fun kind of homework you can give yourself, right?
Men, I know that at your core you want nothing more than to serve and please your woman, and for her to feel like you rock her world fully and that she can totally trust and rely on you to take care of her. Be aware that you are up against thousands of years of conditioning to unravel. Your relationship is your loving reflection and teacher and guide in that journey. Make use of it and take advantage of the opportunity to grow and develop in this way. In order to do so you must open to the idea that you don’t know everything about being the greatest lover in the world, that you aren’t the grand master of all pussy’s roaming the Earth. Be open, be curious, be vulnerable. It’s better to say “I don’t know, show me”, rather than try to ‘fake it til you make it’. Men, be present, patient, curious. Listen, ask questions, listen, ask questions, listen, ask questions. Encourage your woman to use her voice and guide you. Make it so clear that you want nothing more than to make her come all over you while she quivers in orgasmic pleasure, and that you are hanging on her every word to guide you into giving this to her.